AUGUST 28, 1998 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 13

BIG TIPS

I can't bring myself to say, 'Honey, your breath...

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

It all started when I recently, unexpectedly lost one of my jobs, one of my main sources of income. I'm long past my Saturn return, so I had nothing to which to ascribe this sudden loss, except perhaps a vengeful god in which I do not believe, or some incredibly concrete and extracorporeal manifestation of PMS.

Suddenly, I'm being forced to take stock of how I spend my life. I'd been pretty pleased to get a regular paycheck and have my insurance paid, but on the afternoon I walked out of the ex-job, after the panic ebbed, I felt... light. And fortunate to have opportunity thrust at me in a way I can't ignore.

Dear Big Tipper,

I have a little problem with my wife. We have been together for twelve years, and have been married for three. I love her very much, and I love kissing her, but sometimes she has really bad breath. I know I am not perfect with my breath either, but when her breath is bad I don't want her kissing me. How can I tell her? A way that doesn't hurt her feelings?

Dear Tainted Love,

The Kiss that Kills

I'm surprised that after twelve years, you're not on comfortable enough footing with her to say, “Jeez! Grab an Altoid, will ya?" and for her to take it laughingly, and be willing to do the same to you when need be. That said, here are a couple ways you can go. You can involve yourself: "Let's brush our choppers and jump in bed, eh?" or "Pow! That goat cheese and garlic pizza gave my taste buds a run for their money. I'm having a piece of gum, here's one for you." (Polite

people, unless allergic or avoiding mint for homeopathic reasons, should accept mints and gum when offered, just in case they're causing offense.)

En el otro mano, you could just be gently direct, "Sweetie, your breath's a little strong. Must've been lunch. Here, I've got a mint somewhere..."It's always a little rough to hear that you've got dragon breath, but when you hear it from your honey, you know she's saving you public embarrassment.

Dear Miss Martone,

Last weekend, a friend of mine was going to have a brunch picnic to introduce her visiting sister to her friends. When the day came, it was raining, so she asked my girlfriend and me if she could have the picnic at our place, inside, since we live in a big house, and her apartment was too small.

We said sure, that was fine, but it would need to be over by 3:00 or so, because we each had a lot of work to do before Monday, and I had a soccer game.

Well, 3:00 came and went, and no one left. By 4:00, I actually went out and spread bark on my garden while people were still hanging around, because I needed to do it, and when I left for my soccer game at 5:00, leaving my girlfriend there to deal with them, only two of the ten guests had left.

I think this was incredibly rude, but the friend is much closer to my girlfriend, so I don't feel like I'm the one who should say something.

The friend said thank you for letting her use our house, but she didn't say anything about how long it went on. I'm pretty annoyed, and feel like the moment has passed for an apology. How can this not happen again?

Guess Who Came to Brunch, and How Long They Stayed

Dear Sunday in the Bark with Guests,

That was kind of a set-up, wasn't it? They weren't really your guests, so you couldn't really throw them out. It sounds like you're mad at your girlfriend for not talking to your friend. It's not too late to tell your sweetie that you're unhappy about the way things worked out, and that you'd want to do it differently the next time.

If there is to be a next time, make sure you have no hostessing function yourself, so you can leave and do what you need to do. Your friend should be responsible for setup and cleanup and all in between. After having a brief chat with her about how fun her last party was, let her know that she needs to make sure the beginning and end times of this upcoming event are clear. Should the party's end arrive with guests still there, she can start clearing away dishes, then slowly, everything else. Make sure guests are aware of the exact time of the party.

(Guests: Any invitation that includes an ending time for a gathering is serious about the deadline. Get the hell out, and you'll be invited back.)

ROSELAND

GUEST HOUSE & CAMPGROUND Rd.1, BOX 185B

Proctor, West Virginia 26055

Remember, too, you always have the option of saying the place is a mess and that it just wouldn't be the right place for her to entertain that day. If you do let her entertain at your home again, I suggest having some fruit salad and a scone with the guests, chatting up a few pals, then clearing out until well after the party is over-make sure your friend has a key to lock up. That way you won't be anxious, and there's no chance of getting sucked into cleanup.

For a limited time, everyone who sends a letter or e-mail question to Big Tips will receive a piece of Blessed Mother bric-abrac: a key chain, a little statuette, perhaps a magnet. I am breaking up and dispersing a huge collection over the course of this year, and you are my latest recipients.

For more information on this "Diaspora Project," contact me at M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone(u drizzle.com.

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